1. Presents. It is so uncool when people say “I have something for you!” in that coy secretive tone of voice; because I always get super-excited and my brain explodes with joy, like, Woohoo, it’s that amazing thing I’ve been wanting for years and years and years! and then the other person is like, It’s a LOLLIPOP! With GUM inside! and it’s a total letdown. Yesterday I was heading back to my room and my flatmates said that Steve had been by and left something for me, and I was way excited, and actually he had just returned my reuseable Tesco bags and a hanger he had borrowed and hung them on my door. That is why when I have something for someone, I try to lower their expectations early so that they will be pleasantly surprised rather than let down.
2. Gooses poop a lot. All over the grass. So that we cannot walk across the pretty grounds at the university but must confine ourselves to the paved paths. They poop so much that there are little poop-scraper things hanging out at the edges of the lake in a couple of places. Stupid gooses.
2a. I have entirely stopped saying “geese”. Gooses is a better plural. Join me, comrades.
3. General Woundwort gives the guy who checks to make sure you are not stealing books from the library the willies. If you do not know what I am talking about, then you have clearly disregarded my instructions about what books to read.
4. When I was trying, on Wednesday, to ascertain the election results by turning my head sideways to read the headlines on other people’s papers, I much more easily discovered that Britney Spears had broken up with her husband by text message. This does not speak well of you, world.
5. I thought I knew what “lame duck” meant but I did not. I am dumb. Don’t speak to the dumb girl, she is dumb.
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