The Jehovah’s Witnesses came to Steve’s house (in Baton Rouge) bearing tracts a few weeks ago, and Steve went chasing them down the road to get an extra one for me, and the whole thing of the tract is that THE END OF FALSE RELIGION IS NEAR so you’d better watch out and mend your Wicked Ways ™. It’s all like, “False religion is a harlot! Get out of her, my people!” saith the Lord (Pun intended, God?). And at the end it says, Now is the time to act. Do not delay! The end of false religion is near! –Zephaniah 2:2-3
Well, I figured that if Zephaniah said it, it must be true. Zephaniah, man. Do not doubt the authority of Zephaniah. Only I didn’t know who Zephaniah was, so I looked it up on Wikipedia (the way, the truth, and the light, verily I say unto ye), and do you know who Zephaniah is, do you know?
He’s from the Bible! I was all thinking that he was a Jehovah’s Witness who knew about things and was just letting us know that we had hit the year 2006 and this whole false religion thing was winding to a close and we had just better get our act together and do it fast, but actually? Actually he’s a Bible book, and it was composed in like 630 BC.
I guess that when they said “near” they were defining it as any amount of time from another week to another TWO AND A HALF MILLENNIA.
Whatever, Jehovah’s Witnesses. I was already on the phone with your local branch to see what I could do about converting from my wicked politics-meddling Christmas-celebrating gay-condoning ways, but you know what I did when I found out that your source for all this was Zephaniah from the Bible 2600 years ago? I hung up. That’s right. Don’t think that you can just get away with your fear-mongering. I will publish your infamy to the world!
(And by “world” I mean the six people who read my blog. FEAR ME.)
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3 comments:
You know, I think this is a world-wide Jehovah’s Witness movement: we have a pamphlet from them sitting on our fridge right now that says, “THE END OF FALSE RELIGION IS NEAR.”
So now…everyone knows. You better watch out.
I found your website because I was wondering if anyone else found that pamphlet ridiculous. I’m in Montreal, and I thought it was hilarious. Who are these people tempted to join by this pamphlet?
I don’t really have the impression that it’s so much a results-based model of conversion. I think it may be so that when they get caught up to Heaven in the Rapture (do you know www.raptureletters.com, incidentally?), and Jesus is all, Hey, why are there so many people still sinning on earth, they can be like, Dude, we tried. See this pamphlet? We for real tried, and Jesus will be like, Okay, cool, you can come on in.
That’s how I think the plan goes.
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