The reason my mother came to London

It was for the blue whale at the Natural History Museum, which luckily for her is just down the street from us (sort of. several streets. it’s complicated). The blue whale, you see, is the largest animal that has ever existed on earth ever, including the dinosaurs, and (my mother always pauses for this like it’s a punchline we’re waiting for rather than a scientific fact of which everyone is well aware) THEY ARE STILL WITH US. And then she pauses again. And sometimes she says WOW.

Anyway there’s a huge taxidermified blue whale at the Natural History Museum, and I think my mother wants to take every individual person that she knows down to see it so she can tell them this largest animal information and watch them be bowled over by it because (she says) you would have to be DEAD not to be impressed by the blue whale. The translation of this, I think, is that if you are not impressed by the blue whale in her presence, she will kill you and then you will be dead and unable to disprove her theory.

Also, people in London smoke a lot and bar poor Mum from a lot of pubs (ho, ho, ho, they BAR her from PUBS (I am only making this pun, Mother, because I am talking about you and you love puns and I always try to accommodate you)), so she has to find merriment where she can, and the blue whale is definitely the focus of her joy. I’m like, Hey Mum, want to get day seats to a play of your choice? and she’s like, Nah, I’d rather go see the blue whale. But thanks!

Basically, we didn’t need to come to London; we could have just gotten her a blue whale and put it in the backyard. Cause that would have been way easier.