I can't see. Because I am stupid.

My eyes are all foggy. My contact lenses have become all cloudy and splotchy because you know why? Because MY TEARS ARE DEFECTIVE. That’s right. I am a defective crier. If I cry, I can no longer see. God is trying to provide me with an incentive to never, ever, ever (yes, I know I just split that infinitive and have made it vastly worse by inserting this long parenthetical aside) cry. Unfortunately as I grow older the world seems tragicer and tragicker (I have offered you two spellings there and you may choose which is best) so virtually everything makes me cry. Today I have cried so much that I can no longer see out of my eyes. I am typing this with as much accuracy as I would have if I had my eyes shut because I can’t read the words on the screen.

See, it turns out (I discovered the last time I went to visit my eye doctor) my tears have a weird and unpleasant oily quality that messes up my eyes. When I am at the eye doctor and she does the shiny light in my eyes thing, she has to have me blink a lot of times because my tears are so weird that it screws up all her instruments to look at my eyes when they contain my bizarrely goopy tears.

I said oily first and now I said goopy, and the actual truth is that I have no idea which one (if either) it is. Just some thing in my tears that makes it hard for my doctor to examine my eyes appropriately and also messes up my contact lenses.

Anyway in this case I cried a lot today and that makes it my own fault and here’s why. It is because I went to my taught-by-a-nice-lady but rather boring two-hour-long Symbolic Imagination class (that didn’t make me cry — but nearly. I was raised a Catholic and I can’t sit still in one place for more than an hour, or 90 minutes at the outside); and we looked at a sample exam paper, which made me realize how much this exam (and by extension all of my exams) is going to KICK MY ASS (that didn’t make me cry either); and when I got back to my dorm I kind of wanted to do something to cheer me up. And I chose to watch What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.

Do you know what happens in that movie? If not stop reading this because you don’t want to spoil it for yourself because it’s a really wonderful movie. In that movie, Johnny Depp goes through lots of misery and finally circumstances conspire against him even more and he betrays everything he believes in and is totally crushed and wretched and then his mother dies. So I totally bawled.

And now I can’t see. Damn you, Lasse Hallstrom. Damn you also for not directing Rent. I think you would have done a better job than Chris Columbus.