My tremendous love affair with water

I am so in love with water it’s ridiculous. I am completely enchanted by water. It is very fascinating. It swooshes about interestingly and it is fun to swim in. When you drink it you are filled with joy and all within your mouth and then your esophagus is delicious coolness. It falls down from the sky. In drops. It gets sucked into the atmosphere and then falls back down onto the earth, because it is just that sick-ass awesome.

But as far as drinking water is concerned, I am mainly in love with the water in my beloved home town. In fact, I am only in love with the drinking water there, and if it were possible to survive this way while travelling elsewhere, I would be completely faithfully in love with the water there. It is the most tasty water in the world; it is nice and sweet and cool, and furthermore it is soft water so I do not perpetually feel like I am having my skin flayed off when I wash my hands. It comes out of wells or something and thus is extremely delicious and clean and healthy, and it is furthermore the most thirst-quenching water I have ever had.

So when I get to somewhere else (in this case, England) and I get a cup of water expecting it to taste like water is supposed to taste, I am extremely let down. You know when you were a little kid in the grocery store with your daddy and you got separated from him for a second for one reason or another and you think you see him so you get all relieved and you go up and grab his pants leg and it’s a TOTAL SCARY STRANGER who for all you know might be one of those bad people who likes to do bad things to little children? That is exactly how I feel when I drink water in England (or Houston, or Atlanta, or Maine, or most places in the world). It is imposter water, and it is completely undelicious. No wonder people drink so much alcohol here. Their water is practically unimbibible. (I just made up that word. It makes me giggle every time I look at it. Look at where it says bibib. Hahahaha, bibib. What a funny combination of letters.)

I am being unfair to water in other parts of the world; they are not that bad. I only say it because it’s true in essentials although I did employ hyperbole, and also because I am dying of thirst here no matter how much water I drink. I drink it, and I think, okay, it doesn’t taste delicious, but at least when I get finished drinking this cup of it I will not be thirsty anymore. NOT SO! I will be thirsty! I am thirsty! I am thirsty, thirsty, thirsty!

Also I have to write three papers, and I totally thought that yesterday was Thursday. But it wasn’t. It was Friday. I somehow got confused and had it in my head that I was going to arrive in England on 11 April, though indeed my plane departed at 3:45 PM on 11 April and arrived at 6:55 AM so I would have had to travel backwards through time to arrive on 11 April. But it was very disconcerting to find that today was Saturday. I was beginning to think that I had slept through an entire day before I finally figured out what was going on (which was that I am a big idiot).