Something that I wish guys would consider

I hate it when you are out walking and you walk past a group of guys and they are all laughing, and one or more of them makes a comment at you. I absolutely hate it when that happens. When I was much smaller and I would walk past a group of people I thought might be dangerous, I used to think that they would kidnap and kill me unless I sang exactly the right song. I had to figure out what it was, very fast before I walked past them, and sing it loudly, so that they would not kill me.

Although I have long since grown out of believing this to be true, I still start flipping frantically through songs in my head when I am scared of people. I also start inventing scenarios in my head about what I would do if they attacked me, even though I know they aren’t going to attack me. I have to make a specific effort to keep my head up and not walk faster, so they won’t think I’m afraid. While I am doing this, and trying to stop myself from feeling shaky, I am also feeling really, really furious because I am a nice and clever person with integrity and many good skills like playing guitar and reading Tarot cards, and setting boundaries and not putting up with people’s crap. But when this happens I am suddenly not really me anymore but instead some pathetic little rabbity person that I sort of despise, just because a bunch of guys are laughing and one of them has said, “Hey, baby, how you doing, come over here."

I always want to go over to them and say, “I don’t know if you are intending to be flattering, or insulting, or you just want to look suave in front of your friends. To me, however, it is scary. And ordinarily when someone says something to me that I don't like, I say something rude back to them; but I am afraid to do that now because you are bigger and stronger than me and I can’t control what you do. And I have been the victim of a crime before, and when you say these things I remember it, and I feel frightened when I remember it. So, please stop.”

I never do it, though.