It grieves me to say this

But England practices a bastard form of Catholicism. It’s true. I went to Mass again today, and today there was a script, so I have proof positive.

Now, I wasn’t going to quibble over the fact that, like insane people, the English stand up before saying the “our good and the good of all his church” line. I mean, I was actually, but now it’s not an isolated instance of English Catholic insanity. They stand up before the priest says the sacrifice acceptable part, when any sensible person knows that they’re supposed to wait until AFTER “good of all his church”, and then stand up. Get it right, people!

And here’s another thing that you’ve totally screwed up: The Nicene creed. For some reason the English think that they’re supposed to say that Jesus “became incarnate from the Virgin Mary and was made man”. What’s that about? Is something wrong with the True Version (”he was born of the Virgin Mary and became man”)? Is this some bizarre leftover thing about how the Virgin Mary’s hymen stayed literally intact her whole life and Jesus just sort of wafted through it, in which case he wasn’t so much “born” as “made incarnate”? That teaching is over, folks. Move on with your lives. And try to remember that it’s not “in accordance with the Scriptures” but “in fulfilment of the Scriptures”. It didn’t just happen to coincide with what the Scriptures said; it proved the prophets right! This matters!

Oh, yeah, and don’t try to say that Jesus “suffered death and was buried”. He suffered, died, and was buried. Do not diminish the suffering! There were thorns and blood and a cat o’ nine tails! You try having that done to you and then try to act like you just “suffered death”! Jack the Ripper “suffered death”! Jesus SUFFERED. His suffering deserves its VERY OWN CLAUSE, and it is NOT a transitive verb. Not the way Jesus did it!

Because, as one of my great idols said, If there’s one thing Jesus Christ cared about, it’s semantics.

(I’m joking, obviously. But for real, when I was saying the Nicene Creed and everybody else was saying it WRONG, I got really cranky and if that chaplaincy had been any bigger (i.e., if there had been any chance my actions would have gone more or less unnoticed), I would have taken out a pen and corrected it on Steve’s little script.)