Cat-Tormenting 101

I will preface this by saying that all the cats I have done these things to have totally deserved it. Their owners were nice but had a disconcerting tendency to wander outside at all hours of the day or night and holler for their cats. I'd be trying to go to sleep and then these people would start going "Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaange!" or, which was worse, "Eeeeeeeeeeellllfffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" which sounded exactly like, "Heeeeeeeelp meeeeeee!" and there have been a number of occasions on which people in my house thought that was what they were saying and ran out to investigate at three in the morning. The cats themselves were so vile I can't even tell you, and it takes a lot to get me to say that, because I am a cat person. They got plenty of food at their own house, but still they used to come over to our house and beat up our (aged) cat and steal all of her food instead.

So I have done the followings things to the cats in my life:

1) Sicced the dog on them. This was the joy of Nora's life while it went on. Every morning we'd feed the cat, and then wait for a few minutes for the cats across the street to saunter over and shove my Shadow-cat out of the way, and then we'd open the door and let Nora out, and she would take off like a bat out of hell after those cats. Ha, ha, ha. Victory was sweet. But of course we would not let her catch and eat them.

2) Sped up the car to try and hit them. There's really no excuse for me on this one. I still do it whenever I see the two cats from across the street, even though their owners have moved away and my cat has died. Too bad. They deserve it. And it reminds them to practice CONSTANT NEVER-CEASING VIGILANCE. (I was never that attached to Mad-Eye Moody, were you?)

3) Thrown snowballs at them. Actually just one snowball once. It doesn't snow much here. But it was really satisfying. I think it was that time that it snowed on Christmas Day, and my family all trooped outside and threw snowballs at each other, and I espied the orange cat lurking underneath the car, and I chucked a snowball on it, which totally hit it on the ass and it totally jumped into the air and banged its retarded head on the underside of the car. Ha, ha, ha.

4) Watched one of them taking a shit during a hurricane. Actually, Robyn and I both did this, and it was by far the best thing we have ever done to Torment a Cat. It was when the power was out during Hurricane Katrina, and I was in the back room typing a religion paper on my typewriter so that I wouldn't fall behind in my schoolwork (but really because I just enjoy to use my typewriter), and out of the window I espied one of the bad cats having a poo in the backyard. So Robyn and I just watched it as it had its poo. I can't even describe to you how much it freaks out a cat to have you watch it taking a shit. This cat kept looking at us and trying to pretend that it wasn't really taking a shit but was busily digging a hole in which, once we stopped looking, it might consider taking a shit. But all along there was poo falling out of its behind and Robyn and I were killing ourselves laughing and it made the cat really, really, really uncomfortable. And that was basically the best thing ever.